Friday, January 28, 2011

In Which I Discuss My Personality Flaws, My Future Mother-in-Law, My Lazy Fiance and the Gestation Period of Humans. Oh, And Also List Some Stuff I've Done Related to My Upcoming Nuptials.

Here's the thing about wedding planning: it requires, like, an overwhelming amount of work up front ... for something that takes place approximately light years later. Or, that's how it feels to me. I've actually gotten a lot of shit done in the past couple weeks - more on that later - but I'd be lying if I said that it was easy to motivate myself. My father could tell you that patience is not a virtue of mine - or rather he could tell you that *I* told *him* that it was not my virtue sometime during my toddler years. (Hey Daddy! Like the shout out?) I've always been very self aware - and I am more than aware of the fact that I prefer immediate gratification.

Weddings do not provide any sort of immediate gratification. In fact, the engaged to married process goes like this:
Fiance: "Hey, so wanna get married and stuff?"
Me: "Sounds good. Let's do it."
Fiance: "K, awesome. When?"
Me: "Um, how 'bout Fall? I like Fall."
Fiance: "Sweet. Now what?"
Me: "Well, The Knot says I already have 37 overdue items on my checklist and we just got engaged a second ago ... so there's probs lots of stuff to do. Immediately."
Fiance: "Oh, okay well you should like tell me stuff you want me to do and I'll do them."

... Great, so at this point you can see that, on at least one occasion, Fiance asked me to delegate things to him. Which I did, including but not limited to: please get the addresses for your mother's ginormous Catholic family, please get me the addresses for your friends with whom I am not Facebook friends and therefore cannot ask myself, please call hotels regarding hotel blocks for the wedding party and guests. Okay, actually the aforementioned list *was* limited - in that those were in fact the only things I asked Fiance to do.

Guess how many Fiance has done. Go ahead, guess ... Did you guess? You're probably wrong because he has actually only done like 3/4 of 1 of these things. He has gotten me a few of the addresses for his friends (note: a few. Not all. Therefore Fiance does not get the full point). He sent his mother an email in November regarding the addresses for her ginormous Catholic family - and I have heard him on one occasion ask her about the status of said addresses in a phone conversation (I'm not sure this gets a point at all. In fact I may deduct points because of my annoyance at Future Mother-in-Law to whom Fiance is related by blood. You can be fairly incessantly snotty to blood relatives. I lack that ability without looking like a raging bitch. It's decided. I deduct points). And finally, Fiance *has* actually blocked hotel rooms at multiple hotels but he doesn't get the full point because he did so under duress.

Here's how the hotel conversation went:
(after weeks of asking nicely and then nagging, I call Fiance during my break between shifts at work)
Me: "Hey, Fiance - any way you feel like calling some hotels? Because seriously I need you to do that. And it would seriously take like 4 minutes tops."
Fiance: "Mare, I have a job. How do you expect me to do these things during the week?! I have a real job. Is there something you could delegate that I can do on weekends?!"
Me: *head explodes with utter annoyance and deep seated resentment at having to plan this whole stupid affair for Fiance without any of his help or input*

So, obviously to prove a point, I called a hotel and set up a hotel block in approximately 3.5 minutes. Seriously, I'm not even exaggerating this time. I really like to be right - and in this case the warm fuzzy feelings of superiority and rightness made me stop wanting to punch Fiance in the throat. So, you can clearly see how Fiance has done like 3/4 of 1 thing on the list of THREE DAMN THINGS I have asked him to do for HIS damn wedding.

This brings me back to the fact that we have gotten stuff done! I ordered Save the Dates and stuff and I have addressed most of them (You can guess which ones aren't addressed - all of the ones that Fiance was supposed to get). We have blocked hotel rooms. We have finalized the guest list. Our honeymoon is booked. The ceremony and reception venues are good to go. I have a dress (fine, I don't *have* a dress yet - and I blame my mother for that - but that's another blog post entirely) but I totally tried on dresses with Lawyer Bridesmaid and that should count for something. What else? I'm pretty sure I've done other stuff but I can't remember it right now *because* I have seen no pay off from these things.

I've done all this stuff and I see no payout. In fact, I will not see any sort of benefit to all this stupid work until October. October is a billion years away. To those of you who are probably thinking "No, Mare, October is actually only about 8 months away. Eight months is clearly not equal to a billion years" I say this: Um, it's a long ass time. I could gestate a human! A HUMAN! I could grow a human inside my body in the 8.5 months til my wedding.**** So clearly, if that's enough time to make a person, it is more than enough time to make me feel irritated about all the work I'm doing without benefit. So you should all feel super proud of me for doing things and not procrastinating. And you should vocalize that pride because I thrive on praise. K, thanks!

****Knock on wood. Do it right now. Everyone knock on wood. There will be no pre-married gestation of humans. It was hard enough to get myself to try on normal dresses - can you imagine anyone convincing me to try on maternity dresses?! HA! No.


  1. first off: praise, praise, praise for doing things and not procrastinating! I am super impressed you got your save the dates.

    more importantly, g-vegas has multiple hotels? I find this astonishing and rather unbelievable.

    also, I'm with you that October feels forever away, May seems sorta forever away right now.

    where are you honeymooning? Can we start online bathing-suit and scandalous lingerie shopping soon?

    I really like the term "Lawyer Bridesmaid."

    I just worked out for an hour and a half and proceeded to vomit (McDonalds)... this has absolutely nothing to do with your blogpost but I really just thought you'd appreciate that.

    When is your mom coming to visit/see the dress? I need a blogpost on that asap. I also really hope you get your dress from Jingles because when you're old and telling your kids about your beautiful wedding dress that you got at Jingles they can be all like, "really mom, JINGLES!?"

    okay, I think that's it. I love you! Super proud of you.

    And this is for D because I know she'll see this in the comments: Crest Whitestrips HURT LIKE A MOTHERF#$%^&*R. Last week my teeth (after ONE DAY of whitestripping) were like insanely cold-sensitive so instead of getting a [cold] beer at the bar I ordered a WHITE RUSSIAN because I rationalized 'well milk is good for my teeth so a white russian is a great idea.' Who does that?! Ok, and that is the end of my story.

  2. Lovah! I hereby officially dub your "mydamnwedding" pseudonym, "Lawyer Bridesmaid". Congratulations.

    We are going on a 7 day cruise out of Puerto Rico to the Eastern Caribbean going to: St. Thomas, St. Kitts, St. Maarten, St. Lucia, and Barbados. I'm super psyched. Also our room is a suite with a balcony - whaaaaaat! Awesome. I can get excited about honeymoons. Weddings, meh.

    See, that's why I don't do the exercise (though I need to - working in French restaurant is not conducive to weight loss - blog post idea?) but if exercise leads to barf I do not think I'm on board. Also: try not to be hotter than me at my wedding. K? Love you!

  3. YAYYY YAYY YAY!! So proud of you for being so incredibly proactive and organized!! andd I can totally hear Fiance saying those things lol.

    Maybe you should tell people you're following the trends of Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey who are 'savoring being engaged' instead of the Knot's psychobabble. (,,20461701,00.html)

    Andd I completely agree, no pre-married gestation of humans. it would ruin the whole 'Booze' theme of this wedding. well, for you, at least.

    Lawyer Bridesmaid: STOP using crest whitestrips if they hurt so badly. yes, that's my doctorly advice!! I looked into it for you, and the whitening trays we can custom make for you have bleach in them too - so I wouldn't do that. I know there's new technology that uses a light to decrease staining on teeth -but I hear it's not permanent and is usually followed up by bleaching trays. but yeah, you need a separate certification to do the light thing. still, that's probs your only option if the bleach kills your teeth. Oh, and maybe start using Sensodyne? The massive dental convention this weekend got me loads of samples (+$50 gift card to best buy, woo!) if you want a care package. the end lol

  4. Number 1: I am always proud of you, but I am especially proud and impressed that you are actually getting all these tasks accomplished. If you only do what YOU want for your wedding and pay no attention to The Knot and those horrible magazines, it sounds like you are well past the 60 percent mark in preparations.

    Number 2: Dad stuff. To wit: Language! (spoken censoriously in a British accent like the lady in Monty Python's Life of Brian, or is it Bryan?)

    Number 3: I like the soubriquet (sp?) "Lawyer Bridesmaid." It reminds me of the title of a play I have never seen called "The Robber Bridegroom."

    Re: Teeth Whitening. If it hurts, don't do it. This is certified "life advice." Pain is Mother Nature's way of telling you to cut it the hell out.

    Re: Time. Einstein or somebody said it is relative. I don't think he was referring to in-laws. Also, the time between now and your wedding seems like the twinkling of an eye to me, but that is probably because I am relatively old.
    With Love,
    The Aged Parent

  5. One more thing: Back to tooth whitening. I can whiten your teeth in Photoshop, provided Jason will let you have the digital files, which I believe he does. Some years hence, it won't matter to you whether they were really all that white. The substituted reality of the Photoshopped files will trump your memory of the temporal reality. I have learned that where brides are concerned, reality is nearly infinitely adjustable, anyway.