Monday, January 17, 2011

Eff The Knot - Or: How the Wedding Industrial Complex Makes Me Feel Stabby

Being the daughter of a member of the Wedding Industrial Complex (my padre is a wedding photographer) I thought I was impervious to the siren call of the WIC. But, here's the thing: you never see a simple, affordable wedding on TV or in movies. Have you seen Bride Wars? Even Anne Hathaway's public school teacher character (with accountant fiance) gets married at The Plaza. I call bullshit. Fiance was a public school teacher and has a degree in accounting - we could never get married at The Plaza. In fact, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't even be allowed inside The Plaza.

Prior to getting engaged, my dad and I went to a couple of wedding expos in Williamsburg and Norfolk. These weren't even big affairs, they were held in hotel ball rooms, but the sheer volume of crap I didn't know I had to have in order to have a wedding was overwhelming. Did you know that in order for your wedding to be legitimate you need to have flowers on every available horizontal surface (and some vertical ones)? How about that in order for your guests to continue to love and support you that you have to give them tiny origami boxes full of confetti and personalized candy? Or, the fact that it is absolutely imperative that you cut the cake with a custom made silver cake cutting set engraved with your personal monogram? NO? YOU DIDN'T KNOW ALL OF THAT?

You fail at being engaged.

I clearly understand that I do not *need* these things - and really, nor do I want them. But I am constantly inundated with messages from the evil Wedding Industrial Complex and its minions that without them, my wedding will be tacky and lame and horrible - also that I will be fat and apparently have the legs of a 90 year old. I kid you not, my email inbox is consistently full of wedding related emails. Here is a sample from today:
"Get 50% Off Spider-Vein Treatments For Your Big Day!"
"Opulent Golden Centerpieces - A Must Have!"
"Soon-To-Be-Mrs. Shirts - Show Him You Care!"
"Your Wedding Diet and Fitness Plan - Be The Best You For The Most Important Day Of Your Life"

Oh, and here's the kicker: "9 Months To Go! View Overdue Items on Your Wedding Checklist" ...

Clearly, The Knot did not read my last blog post. Yes, I brought this on myself in my overly-excited-omg-I'm engaged-mindset I signed up for The Knot. MISTAKE. I am inundated with Knot related emails telling me all the things I need to do and buy and not eat in order to have "The Wedding of My Dreams". Not only from the website itself, but from all of its evil corporate sponsors. You are probably thinking, why doesn't this woman just delete the emails? Why? Because I'm a masochist, apparently. Today, I opened that "9 Months To Go" email from The Knot. And I followed the link to my checklist. MISTAKE. According to The Knot, I am not getting married because I clearly do not care enough about my wedding. I have not purchased my dress. I have not finalized a contract with my florist. I have not booked a hotel block. I have not notified my bridal party of my "non-negotiables" and "expectations" - what does that even mean?! Should I have contacted a lawyer to draw up some sort of bridal party contract? Girls, you hear that? I have to have "non-negotiables" - you may want to rethink our friendship.

In order to maintain my sanity so that I end up in a wedding dress and not a strait jacket at the end of this whole mess, I have decided to clean house. I am clearing my cache of wedding blogs. At least, clearing out those that do nothing but make me feel like my wedding will look like a hobo camp decorated with Goodwill cast offs and that I have to spend all my life savings (HA, that's funny, I don't have savings) on a day that will be the absolute peak of my existence.

Because, I certainly hope it isn't the peak of my existence - I've hopefully got a long ass life left. And if I peak at 25 I don't really have much to look forward to. I just have to keep telling myself that my wedding will have the things that are important to me. My wedding is going to be a sweet-ass party with an awesome bar and the best food my guests will ever have at a wedding.

Also, I will not be fat or have spider veins. Hopefully.


  1. update: my friends are reading your blog and love it.

    what the fuck are non-negotiables and does it include drinking because i didn't know i signed on for that when i became your friend-forever/future bridesmaid. as your unlicensed and unpaid attorney, i will let you know that there shall be no wedding contracts cause this girl will draft it in her own favor right here.

    loveyou.the end.

  2. hahaha also, ditto on crystal's 'update'

    I refuse to even discuss these 'non-negotiables' until I get my bridemaids package thingy you're sending - mainly bc you told me booze is involved and I'm pretty sure I will need said booze to even "discuss" this. how about 'I promise I will be at your wedding and I will be pretty intoxicated :)' I think it's one-up on your promise to me about 'stomping down the aisle in the ugliest bridesmaid dress'...ahem.
    I'll even be willing to give a speech if that's what you need - we both realized how nice and rambly I can be with a mic apparently. I'll try to keep it under the time it took for the Gettysburg address (that's the rule right?)

    Also, tooth whitening! Reply back to those creepy emails from the Knot/WIC and tell them you've got the hookup there! ha

  3. hey d- does the bridal party get tooth whitening too? cause i think that'd be great :)

  4. sure thing crystal, if the bridal party wants to take a trip to beantown and be my patients (or for some reason, you already have casts of your mouth in your possession), i've totally got you covered :)

  5. Sidenote: "Soon-To-Be-Mrs." Shirts?!?! really?! I TRIPLE dare you to get one of those. Or maybe you'll be getting a package from yours truly soon . . .