My Damn Wedding ... Is Tomorrow!

There have been many, many requests from my many, many fans *cough* Mom & Dentist Bridesmaid *cough* for a final post. Things have been crazy this week, I had a million and seven errands, formalized the seating chart (last night at 2am) and printed the escort cards, got a mani/pedi, played with my nephew, had my hair and makeup trial, got my portraits taken, wrote the ceremony bulletins and assembled them (I am so f-ing tired of ribbon, I could scream), I fielded approximately a thousand distressed phone calls from the MIL ... honestly, I'm exhausted.

Other than just exhaustion though, in this moment I feel calm. If I had written this post last night it would have been riddled with expletives, well, more expletives than normal. My in-laws had some car trouble on their way into town and were without a car yesterday. Around 7pm last night, as Fiance was about to abscond to Richmond for his "Make-up Bachelor Party" he stopped by our house with his mom ... that was a bad life choice.

Number One Wedding Guest Rule: DO NOT UNDER, ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, COMPLAIN TO THE BRIDE THAT YOU ARE STRESSED OR UPSET OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN HAPPY. Seriously, I know it makes me sound like a Bridezilla, but I was doing my best to stay calm and to just enjoy the ride and this woman comes up in my house and spills her stress and worry all over me and freaked me the fuck out. Then I got into an argument with Fiance because he was leaving and leaving me to deal with everything all by myself. I was clearly projecting my frustration from dealing with his mother, but jesus christ, woman! If the bride asks how you are, you say "Wonderful! So excited for you!"

Because, if you are stressed, if something is going wrong, if someone is missing or if it turns out there's gonna be a tornado (true story, happened yesterday, 5 miles from my house) you keep that info to yourself and you fix it. Or delegate to someone else to fix it. I'm only getting married once, I've spent most of my life being nice and taking on things I didn't need to in order to make people's lives easier. Today (and tomorrow) I want my life to be easy. I want to focus on the fact that I am marrying the most amazing man, that I am going to take vows that have been said a million times over thousands of years and that I mean them with all my heart.

Tonight I get to have (most) everyone I know and love in one place to celebrate my love for Fiance. Tomorrow, I'm taking one last flying leap into adulthood and into a lifetime of love with the best guy I know. And, as much as possible, I'm just gonna roll with the punches ...

 ... and get mother-fucking married, bitches!!!

This is what I look like after two hours of hair and makeup. Also with professional lighting and photoshop. But don't I look like a princess?! I felt like a princess. 

Excellent Shoes! Wait, No - Excellent News!

Y'all like the title theme I've got going on? Yeh? I thought so. Anyway, so great news: my toes are in fact healing (if slowly) and apparently I really can't mess them up anymore than they already are!

The doctor told me that I could wear whatever shoes I could personally deal with ... that dude seriously has no idea what kind of pain tolerance I have for shoes. I mean, I was on pointe for years - there's nothing worse than cramming your foot into a shoe that is literally made to make it possible for you to concentrate all of your body weight on 2 square inches of surface area. I think the fact that I could not only wear those shoes but actively dance in them made me feel like anything else would be cake. CAKE, PEOPLE!

So immediately upon returning home from my appointment I pulled out those gorgeous Badgley Mischkas and said "Fuck you, wonky floppy toes! You're going to look pretty whether you like it or not!" and shoved my foot into those shoes ... and ... it really wasn't intolerable! Check it out!

Totally not intolerable. Definitely picture and ceremony length of time tolerable. For sure. Plus I've got two more weeks of healing time. So ... you know, it's gonna be awesome. And not intolerably painful.

Anyway, also after my appointment I went to DSW ... just in case. Also because I had a coupon. Everyone knows you have to use coupons immediately. I also happened to find the cutest pair of sandals on clearance, and with the coupon, I mean, obviously I had to buy them. Had. To. At least, that's what I told Fiance. I figure I can swap out my not-intolerably-painful-heels for the sandals whenever I want. Bonus, they match my jewelry. Because the straps are shiny rhinestone like things and pearls! Super cute. Look:

I'd be remiss if I didn't point out my still wonky fourth and fifth toes. Apparently the swelling and general wonkiness (it's a word) will last up to three months. So, you know, that's cool. Also because today is the first day I haven't had more than 50% of my toes taped together, the toenail on my baby toe is not painted. I swear it will be painted on my actual wedding day.

Yesterday I also did other things! I went to Macy's with Fiance, ostensibly to buy a dress shirt for him to wear with his new suit for the wedding. But, they were having an awesome sale and we had to wander through the jewelry department on our way to the (boring) men's department. I'd been looking for a pearl bracelet to match the necklace and earrings I'm going to wear for the wedding - and by I've been looking I mean, Fiance was supposed to buy me a pearl bracelet as a wedding gift. Problem solved! We bought a bracelet yesterday that was, and I kid you not, 70% off. It's perfect - the perfect size to match my necklace and earrings and it's nice and simple. 

The Damn Wedding is super soon. Like, fifteen days from now or something like that. Really soon. I'm feeling okay about everything. Feeling great about being married. Feeling pretty good (at this particular moment) about the whole, you know, wedding event. It's a weekend. A full weekend of blended families and all of our friends - so many, many friends. I'm feeling really good. Really happy. This coming week we have final meetings with our Priest and with the Organist for the ceremony. Also, we booked a DJ! We finalized all the reception crap with the restaurant and ordered Prosecco for our "Champagne Toast" ... it's all coming together. (And yes if this sounds weirdly optimistic and stress-free it's because I'm ignoring my to-do-list right now. We aren't on speaking terms today. As my fave Southern Belle Scarlet said: I'll think about it tomorrow).

 I'm getting married, bitches!

Broken Dreams, Wait - No. Broken Toes.

Hey kids - once again I've gone MIA for a month. Because that's how I roll. When last we left off, I was headed to my bachelorette party. That bitch Irene didn't ruin a damn thing (except for my poor MOH's perfectly planned itinerary - Love you MOH!). That being said, as most of you readers know (and by most, I mean all because there are approximately four of you at this point) I broke two toes on my right foot on the FIRST night of my bachelorette party - once again, because that's how I roll.

This was taken at the Urgent Care Center the morning after "The Injury". Please note that while this foot is very puffy and odd looking, this picture cannot hold a candle to the spectacular black, blue and purple bruising that covered my entire foot up to the ankle starting Sunday morning and lasting at least 2 weeks. It also does not accurately portray the way that my fourth toe now looks - simultaneously still swollen but also oddly floppy and detached from the rest of my foot. (You're welcome for the description, btdubs).

When we went to Urgent Care, I was told that surely my toes would heal in a max of 4 - 6 weeks ... well, kids, we are four weeks out from the injury and there are now fewer than three weeks til my nuptials. As you would expect, given my luck, my bones are not healing. At all. Literally. I am particularly given to bouts of hyperbole and exaggeration but this is not one of those bouts. Upon reviewing my most recent x-rays the doctor said "Wow! These aren't healing at all!" He sounded super upbeat about it which momentarily made me think I'd heard "Wow! These are healed!" But since I'd been looking at my sad, weirdly floppy, still misshapen and slightly puffy toes for the past month I knew that his inflection was just very odd and that in fact I had the bones of a sad, dying elderly woman.

It's time to face the music kids. I've got an appointment with an orthopedist (/orthopedic surgeon - eeeek!) on Wednesday and I am putting off mailing my beautiful beautiful Badgley Mischkas until then. But I don't expect good news. I know that I can manage flats since I attended a wedding this past weekend and wore flats to that event ... but the heels ... well, I'm hoping I can take half a vicodin and a couple mimosas and fight through the pictures and swap them out for something more toe friendly. That being said, I have had to make some choices. I have a few flat, expensive (what?! I'm selling the damn dress. I want to keep the shoes. Plus what other life event will allow me to buy designer shoes?) Check these out:

Badgley Mischkas, obvi, elegant but I think maybe sort of "old"? Plus the toe looks a bit pointier than my poor sad broken phalanges can manage. But I like them. They're cuter in person, though.

At this point, these are my lead choice. The lace/organza would look adorable with my dress and they look super comfy. haven't seen these in person ... but I think if I have to send back my beautiful heels, that these are the front runner for runner up shoe choice.

 

And, I suppose the bigger issue and the issue about which I am more stressed (check out that grammar, Mom and Dad!): is the final dress fitting. The "Final Dress Fitting" isn't so much a fitting as a "This better fucking fit because this is the only time I can pick it up and I have my portraits in one week and then the damn wedding five days after that, so I'm taking this shit home no matter what" sort of situation. I have lost weight since my last fitting - too much weight - which I am gaining back by eating crap that is bad for me and by drinking beer, but more than anything I'm afraid she's going to want to hem the dress again. HEM THE DAMN DRESS, GUYS! First of all, alterations were already ungodly expensive. The idea that she may demand that the dress be hemmed to fit with flats is enough to make me shove my poor misshapen broken floppy toes into those too tight heels any day of the week. Wish I were kidding. I'm not. I may have tried it twice over the past three days - what?! I can't make them worse.

I'll post after my orthopedist appointment - And now a shout out to my Mother and her awesome PPO insurance: Yay for Momma having reached her out of pocket deductible and therefore making my foray into orthopedic (possible) surgery not only possible, but free! Thanks for having good insurance, H.E.W!


PS. If you've read this far, here's a bonus picture. This is me "Dougie-ing" (look it up, Mom and Dad. Start with Youtube). With a black man, whom you can't see. With one 4 inch heel and one orthopedic shoe. The lovely girl behind me is my friend Em. That reaction is EXACTLY the appropriate reaction to the ridiculousness of what was happening. This picture is also a really good reason why I will NOT mix vicodin and day drinking with my wedding reception. Because this happens ... whatever "this" is:

My Bachelorette Weekend ... and an Uninvited Guest

Hey There, Readers! Today is the start of my bachelorette extravaganza! And everything would be awesome if it weren't for that bitch, Irene. Irene, you suck. Of course, I'm talking about the "most powerful hurricane to hit the Mid-Atlantic in decades". Here she is:

Now, it is a testament to how awesome my friends are that they are willing to head into the eye of the storm. Well, not literally, but whatever. In the past week we had a 5.9 earthquake, a catastrophic hurricane is headed for the coast and I am celebrating my last few weeks of unmarried life. Signs of the apocalypse? Possibly. 

It is likely that this weekend will be spent in our hotel rooms hanging out and watching movies, possibly braving the storm to hit up some bars. But even if we get stuck inside, I know that my friends are going to make this a freaking awesome weekend. With lots of booze. And a hurricane ...

... oooooh that makes me think of the cocktail. See, maybe Irene's not so bad after all!

In Which I Get More (Wedding Related Tasks) Accomplished in One Day Than I Have in The Last Two Months ...

Hey kids! Sorry I've been MIA - I've been pretty busy around here for the past few weeks. I took my Sommelier exam and had my first wedding gown fitting - a weekend that requires its own post, for sure. Then there's the working and the working and oh, that's right, the working.

Anyway, Fiance went out of town last Thursday and will be gone til this Thursday so I've been hanging out all by my lonesome for a few days. I decided to head to Richmond to stay with my Dad - something I haven't done in months if not actually a year or so - and it was so much fun. You never grow out of hanging out with your parents - or at least, I guess I haven't. Or, perhaps more accurately, there was a time when I found them to be lame and then grew to realize how awesome they are and grew to really really enjoy being around the parentals. So, the time I spent with my Daddy was really great - not only did we have some "wine flights" where I got to show off my "somm" skills but we got about a TRILLION things accomplished on Monday.

I had quite a few things I needed to get accomplished in Richmond for the wedding. When I come down for lunch on most Mondays, I maybe manage to get one or two things done - but never like this. Yesterday, Daddy and I conquered a fairly crazy to do list. We had to visit several banks, go to the wholesale florist to set up the account for FMIL, go to Michaels to purchase some more thank you note and welcome dinner invite materials, head to Davids Bridal to purchase a veil (and coincidentally pick up my after-partay dress which I was told wouldn't be in til October), go to the mall to try to find a dress for my bachelorette party and finally go by Jos A Banks to get Daddy's suit tailored. We accomplished everything! With an extra pair of shoes thrown in as well (my bachelorette party dress was on sale, so I made up the difference with some ADORABLE shoes).

One of the big perks of having a professional photographer for a father is that my life is exceptionally (and possibly excessively) well documented. Normally I'd just take pictures for y'all on my point and shoot camera. I'd probably position my purchases on my cluttered dining room table or possibly on the pet-fur-covered ottoman in the living room. But yesterday, Daddy took pictures of all my lovely purchases. Complete with studio lighting ... and some photoshop. There's something called a "color area" it needed adjusting apparently ... anyway, ENJOY! (And check back soon for a run down on all the other stuff I've been doing lately. Like my dress fitting and my exam and opening wedding gifts.)

Here is my "After Party Dress" - it's really cute on, the detailing on the chest looks great with my wedding shoes ...
AND - there are pockets!

Ooooooh, spaaaaaarkles.

Moooooore Spaaaaaarkles, what could these possibly go with? ...

The sparkles go with this dress! It's a sort of shimmery silver, it's tight in all the right places and I bought it in a size much smaller than I'm used to. Oh, and it was super on sale. Pretty much a win all around.

I bought a veil! It's a two-layer-raw-edge-walking-veil. Or something. It's simple, it's light and it was WAY cheaper than the veil that my bridal consultant was hawking up where I bought my dress. Anyway, here I am looking sort of normal, if a bit bedraggled after such a long day ...

But then I made this face ... and decided to share it with you. Lest you think I'm taking myself too seriously, what with all of my many many many accomplishments of late.

Here is what the back of the veil looks like, on a dignified model, who would never ever make the above pictured face.

Retail Therapy (Grown Up Edition*)

I call it the "Grown Up Edition*" because generally speaking, in the past, I'd have purchased like about $200 worth of stuff that I didn't need due to the stress of planning a wedding (or, since we're talking about "in the past" it would probably be more like the stress of: money, exams, my sister, [insert dilemma here]). BUT in all my grown up glory, I did not buy something.

Instead I resisted the urge to spend a few hundred bucks on a party dress for my bachelorette party and instead decided to recall some useful information from a wedding blog I'd read recently. And it dawned on me that I should RENT A DRESS! I am going to rent a dress through www.RentTheRunway.com for the bachelorette. I then spent an hour or three going through the dresses. And I've continued to kill time on my break from work looking through the same dresses.

And since my posts have been kind of a bummer lately, I've decided to show you some of the dresses in the running for bachelorette glory:

Black Halo "Red Carpet Dress" $50 to Rent

Mark & James by Badgley Mischka "Neptune Nights Dress" $50 to Rent

Robert Rodriguez Black Label "Celebration Swept Dress" $50 to Rent

Thread Social "Sapphire Fairy Tale Dress"  $75 to Rent

Vena Cava "Fit n' Flare Dress" $75 to Rent

These dresses are all a bit out of my comfort zone - in that they aren't especially modest (apparently wearing a cardigan to your bachelorette party is somewhat frowned upon), and that they are waaaaaay out of my price range when it comes to retail. But for $50 - $75 to rent, I'm totally down. You get two sizes when you order - which is good because I've now lost about 18 lbs I don't really know what size I wear and also these dresses are designer shizz which means they probably run small. So, we'll see ... I'm going to keep looking, but I like the looks of these. What do y'all think?

* This blog post was up for over a week and I looked at it multiple times and never once noticed that I'd written "addition" when I mean "edition" ... I think my brain is turning to goo. Stupid bridal goo. Thanks for the editing, Daddy-o.

Seriously?! Seriously.

So - remember how I said our small guest list was going to cause familial discord? Yeh, I hit that nail right on the head. Since the invitations have gone out, it is now painfully obvious to members of my StepDad's family that he really wasn't kidding when we said we were not inviting our cousins. Hey, Asshats: Remember when you were told that we were limiting the invites to very immediate family? And how we are paying for our own wedding? I didn't win the effing lottery in the last couple months, and even if I had I'd probably still hold on this.

Right, well, that hasn't gone over well. And if the RSVP card from the Step-Family Patriarch is any indication, both myself and my StepDad will be getting quite a lot of passive aggressive commentary from his family.

The fact that you checked and then emphatically underlined the fact that you "Will Not Attend" sucks. It sucks a lot. No note of congratulations, no "Sorry we can't make it, but best of luck and we love you" Nope. Just the most passive aggressive RSVP ever. I'm your granddaughter - that's really fucking nice. I guess I shouldn't be expecting a card either. And I expect I'll be receiving a number of similarly asshat-tacular RSVPs from the rest of your family. 

I know that I'm probably better off without people like that at my wedding. I don't need that kind of negativity around my wedding or around my family. If I'm being realistic I know that everyone will be happier if they aren't there. They can believe themselves to be superior and "banded together as a family to make a statement" and I can feel happy that they didn't show up to make passive aggressive commentary about the damn wedding. 

Madre was very comforting when I called and tried to convince her (and myself) that I really didn't care that he wasn't coming (or that he was being a total douche) but I'd be lying if I said that it didn't really hurt my feelings or if I told you that I didn't cry over it. Because I did cry and it did/does hurt my feelings. All I can do is be grateful that StepDad has my back and loves me ... and knows that his family is passive aggressive and suck-tacular. 

Up until now I was so excited to see the RSVPs rolling in - but this has kind of put a damper on my excitement. Stupid wedding planning ... the happy moments never last very long. 

ETA:

Everyone be nice in the comments. I'm pissed off right now, but they're still family. I think their behavior sucks, a lot. But they don't necessarily suck as people ... necessarily ...